This TiNi is too tiny

Behold the fearsome SOG Flash. There was a time when these were the apples of my eye. The Flash series comes in a variety of specs, all of which are cool in their own way.

I'm partial to the wicked-looking half-serrated, all-black TiNi (Titanium Nitrate) blade. There's even an amusing all-camo version in case you want to hide your knife in the jungle or something. But the piece de résistance of this family is the opening system called S.A.T. (SOG Assisted Technology). It is truly top-notch, flinging the blade open in a blink and locking it firmly into place. A secondary feature worth mentioning is the high-riding pocket clip. Because it's mounted high on the hilt, the knife sinks low in your pocket. Hence, the Flash stays stealthily and tastefully out of view.

I first fell in love with the Flash II (4.5" handle, 8" open). It is so weighty, so serious, so black and scary. But also, so big. The Flash II transcends pocketknife status and moves into — I don't know — call it a tool or even weaponry. It really is a mighty unit. But frankly, it's more knife than I was looking for. So I bought the SOG Flash I instead — sight unseen, as they say. I expected the Flash II's little brother; what I got was a fetus. The Flash loses its awesomeness when you shrink it by almost half. My hand cramped just trying to engage the admittedly kickass SAT. You know, some things can be shrunk to the point of impracticality.

I showed my new Flash I to a couple of my friends at a bar. One guy (I'll call him "Evan") couldn't even figure it out. So I took it away before Evan hurt himself. Then D-Rex gave it fondle and agreed: too small. The Flash I would be better suited to a petite-handed woman. Of course, that collides with the fact that women don't carry switchblade-like knives...at least, not the women I know. I will be selling the Flash I on ebay. It's a shame. The large Flash II is so boss; the mini-TiNi was a real disappointment.

This isn't a knife, it's a contradiction

At first blush, this appears to be a perfectly ass-kicking redneck pocketknife. But under closer examination we uncover some disturbing fundamental flaws. I can make two cogent arguments as to why this otherwise intimidating chawcutter fails, and both are wrapped around the contrary relationship between the words and that glaring skull that wants to jump off the hilt and rumble. Whoa, did I say “skull?” I did. And therein lies the first logical breakdown. A skull typifies death. It’s a careless swordsmith who uses a skull to represent birth. I refer to the motto of this dead head blade: “American by Birth.” And now we move to our second incongruity. “American” is clearly and appropriately symbolized by the skull’s Old Glory ‘do-rag. Bravo. Unfortunately, that image is violently undermined by a background featuring a Confederate flag. To claim American status while waving that flag is incompatible in the extreme. You’ll remember from seventh grade that the Confederacy started the bloodiest war in American history, the singular goal of which was to secede from our great nation. In the end, this item fails on every level. It’s an embarrassment to knives and patriotic corpses everywhere.

I think I found your whittlin’ tool, Mr. Gates

This pocketknife is priced at $5,000. It's the second most expensive item at knifeart.com. The same site features a $10,000 masterpiece (that’s right, four zeroes). But I think the one shown here is the bitchinest. These prices only sound absurd. You might have to click the images to savor the details. But they're guaranteed to leave you a little weak in the withers.


Check it out: the oak leaves and acorns on the bolster and along the spine are crafted from bronze. Now brace yourself: the handle is “black fossili mammoth ivory.” Could that be true — mammoth ivory! Just a sec, I’m hyperventilating.

The blade is forged from Turkish Damascus, which is a technique of combining two types of steel for extra awesomeness. Master sword smiths can manipulate the process to produce patterns on the surface of the blade (thanks again, Wikipedia). For a closer look, click the image below and try not to soil yourself.



This is the knife I’d display in my smoking room, if I had one. I might even cut a cigar with it if I wanted to impress a friend.